Transformation
I’ve spent my life trying to be the “best”, to have the “best” stuff, to be entitled to superior treatment from others and from society. Clearly, this has not worked out so well.
So much emphasis has been put on hoarding and collecting and impressing others with my things, my travels and my life’s accomplishments. I suppose I’ve succeeded in that I’ve amassed a lot of things, had a lot of life experiences and probably impressed some people who don’t really know or care about me. All of the “satisfaction”, such as it is, that I have derived from these endeavors comes from external sources, not from within, and ultimately has resulted in a tremendous void because none of these things, this status, matters.
All of this thinking needs to be released to move into the second half of life. Old habits die hard, of course, and I imagine that there will still be some temptation to try to impress others. However, the beautiful irony now is that, after my very public trials and imprisonment, I am considered by many to be a pariah, so that no amount of effort to impress will ever have the desired effect. Never again will my good works be lauded or recognized, no matter how deserving they may be.
There is a certain freedom that flows from this realization. My task now is, first, to forgive myself for being imperfect and falling, and then to do it for just about everybody else. This slow process of transformation unfolding before me is accompanied by much prayer, self-doubt, study and introspection. The goal is to find some meaning in my experiences that moves me to a deeper understanding of my spirituality.
Richard Rohr describes a certain “gravitas” that accompanies the second half of life. He describes our mature years as characterized by “a kind of bright sadness and a sober happiness.” This makes imminent sense to me.
The “Generative Person”
Once the stark realization comes upon me that I no longer have to prove to anyone that I am the best, or have to best, or that my role and place in society deserves superior treatment or praise, I am free to seek a simple and genuine union with God and with others.
I am no longer pre-occupied with collecting more goods and services; quite simply, my desire and effort – every day – must be to pay back, to give back to the community some of what I have received. I have been given such abundance from God and I must try to “live simply so that others can simply live”. Richard Rohr calls someone at this stage in life a “generative person.” He describes that person as “one who is eager and able to generate life from his own abundance and for the benefit of others.” That’s where I feel I am in life right now. The rules are different now. All that has happened before – good, bad and otherwise – has been in preparation for and a prelude to my new human life. This is the ‘falling upward” that Richard Rohr describes.
Two guiding principles to end this writing:
- The best criticism of the bad is the practice of the better
- Your concern is not now so much to have what you love anymore, but to love what you have right now.
Celebrate Recovery
I have been fortunate while here in prison to be introduced, through my friend Jim, to the Celebrate Recovery program and its healing ministry. Jim swears it saved his life and I believe it will have a profound impact on mine as well.
The Celebrate Recovery founder, John Baker, started with the classic 12-step program of AA and other groups; however, he was uncomfortable about that program’s vagueness about the nature of God, the saving powers of Jesus Christ and the ministry of the Holy Spirit. Therefore, he undertook and intense study of the Scriptures to discover what God had to say about “recovery”. He found the principles of recovery – in their logical order – given by Christ in His most famous message, the Sermon on the Mount.
This Christ-centered recovery program is based on the actual words of Jesus rather than the psychological theory. By working through the recovery principles, the goal is to overcome life’s hurts, hang-ups and habits. Through the operation of the Holy Spirit, to find true peace and serenity and to avoid dysfunctional, compulsive and addictive behaviors; to restore and develop stronger relationships with others and with God.
For me, I view this program as the logical and inevitable next step following the teachings of Father Richard Rohr in Falling Upward. Once one becomes aware of and attuned to the existence of a second half of life, with all the promise and potential that it entails, the Celebrate Recovery program constitutes a Christ-centered roadmap for the journey toward healing, serenity and peace. I am on that journey.
What does it mean to “Accept Christ”?
I struggle to fully understand a concept that is beyond my limited view. What does it mean to “accept Christ” into my life. I know I have to be willing to become involved and trust God for the wisdom and courage I need. I want the Holy Spirit to move within me, to take control of my life.
With this introspections, I am beginning to notice changes in my values and my attitudes. One change in me is a new sense of gratitude for my family and my friends who have stuck with me and support me; I have also lost some friends along the way for which I am sorry. As a “new” Christian, I have a lot to learn. I am convinced that God has a plan for my life that He will gradually reveal to me.
Transformational Change
I am convinced that God has put me in prison for a reason. Prison is a cleansing time, a time for sober self-examination and self-reckoning. As a prisoner here, I am learning first hand about suffering and deprivation. The loss of control of my body and my life is something I am now experiencing
There is a transformational change happening in my life. Through my regular attendance now at study twice weekly and a Christ-centered, 12 step-modelled group meeting once weekly, I have met many Christian brothers here who have reached out to me with grace and generosity. I have come to realize that there is no clear distinction between good and evil men. The people I have met have a sense of decency, and goodness and generosity even though they have committed, in some cases, heinous sins. As is said, all men are sinners.
I have been separated from God for so long by my pride and my ego, and I have been imprisoned by my own sins, but more and more I see how God is guiding my life. There is a purpose for me being here. Forces are at work that demand I rethink every facet of my life. The old is dying away, but not without pain and not without resistance and not without sorrow.